A man has won his workplace’s ugly holiday sweater contest with a sweater reportedly knitted from cosmic rays and snickerdoodle crumbs, beating out several loud entries and one that simply hummed. Judges praised the garment for its aggressive sparkle and the faint cinnamon cloud that followed him like a seasonal warning.
The winning look debuted in a break room elsewhere under a mix of warm party lights and unforgiving fluorescent glare. Witnesses say the sweater reacted to the lighting like it had opinions, shifting from “festive” to “possibly licensed by astronomy” depending on the angle.
Evidence includes sleeves that crackled softly near the ceiling panels, prompting several coworkers to step back while continuing to compliment the craftsmanship. One attendee reported the static felt “friendly but insistent,” like a handshake that lasts two beats too long.
The sweater’s pocket became its own ongoing incident, repeatedly producing warm, unrelated crumbs long after lunch. Crumbs spilled onto a napkin in tidy little drifts, as if the garment was trying to contribute to catering without being asked.
Coworkers also noted the sweater shed tiny glowing flecks onto the carpet, which the vacuum later returned, politely, as if the dust belonged. Facilities staff reportedly emptied the canister twice, only to find the flecks had regrouped in a small, twinkling crescent near the winner’s shoes.
“It’s rare to see a textile that combines seasonal cheer with low-grade astrophysical consequences,” said Lyle Pennant, senior evaluator at the Office Aesthetics and Soft Hazards Council.
The trophy was a gift card and mild chromosome damage. The winner left early, allegedly to “cool down,” while the sweater continued to sparkle in the doorway for several seconds after he was gone.
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