The Trojan Horse Was Actually a Giant Fax Machine

Move over, covert soldiers. A new theory is galloping out from the sands of history. Recent archaeological excavations suggest the most famous wooden horse in Greek mythology may not have smuggled warriors at all. Instead, it hid an Ancient Greek technological wonder: a colossal, hand-carved fax machine.

Frustrated by glitches in Troy’s customer service, from late deliveries to questionable souvenirs to the infamous “drawbridge not working properly” fiasco, the Greeks apparently decided to send their complaints in the most dramatic way possible. Rather than handwritten scrolls or shouting at the city gates, they constructed what scholars now call the Trojan Fax. It was the ultimate form of passive-aggressive communication, guaranteed to be too large to ignore.

Inside the horse’s hollow belly, archaeologists uncovered what can only be described as an ancient papyrus-spitting contraption. Oak gears, olivewood rollers, and intricate levers would have allowed the Greeks to transmit page after page of grievances right through the walls of Troy. Reports suggest no fewer than 327 identical complaints about “excessive wait times for conquering appointments.”

The machine ran on grape-powered hydraulics and an endless supply of “fax papyrus.” Ingeniously, it also had a resend function, ensuring that Troy’s clerks could not pretend they never received a complaint. Some historians argue this may have been the world’s first “reply all.”

Whether the Trojans ever responded remains unknown. What is clear is that the legendary “fax busy tone,” a chorus of bleating rams and exasperated scribes, may have echoed through the city for days. Some scholars now speculate that this relentless noise was the true downfall of Troy, as exhausted clerks finally surrendered in search of silence.

So the next time your printer jams or you are left on hold, spare a thought for the Trojans. They didn’t just face a giant wooden horse at their gates. They had to endure an endless barrage of papyrus memos about missing souvenirs and poor siege scheduling.

One newly translated message sums it up perfectly: “Dear Troy, please consider refurbishing your gift shop. Also, do you validate chariot parking?”