After centuries of botanists arguing over which tree would win in a marathon, palm or pine, science has finally intervened. Thanks to the tireless efforts of three sleep-deprived horticulturists (and the accidental hybridization of lunch snacks in the lab), the Pinepalm now graces our planet. Standing proud, the Pinepalm sports the iconic palm tree trunk topped with bushy clusters of pine needles, and yes, it’s as confusing in real life as it sounds.
The star attraction of the Pinepalm? The one and only Cococone. Imagine a pineapple crossed with a coconut, then mashed up with a pinecone in a blender set to “whimsical”. On the outside, the Cococone looks exactly like a giant, intimidating pinecone. Crack it open, though, and you get a flood of coconut water accompanied by a sweet, snowy white flesh that has even the pickiest squirrels reevaluating their snack choices.
This breakthrough has naturally led to an evolutionary leap in tropical refreshments. Enter the Piné Colada, now being served in exclusive beachside labs and off-the-grid après-ski shacks. Sip this beverage straight from a hollowed-out Cococone and experience the flavor sensation of being lost in a rainforest while simultaneously hiking through the mountains.
Bartenders everywhere are facing an existential crisis. Do you serve the Piné Colada with a tiny parasol or a miniature ice axe? Should it be garnished with a pineapple wedge, or does it require a small handful of pine needles? The debate rages fiercer than a squirrel defending its territory, and there’s still no consensus on whether you need a swimsuit or a flannel shirt to enjoy it properly.
Naturally, squirrels are leading the opposition, having been thoroughly perplexed by the Cococone’s deceptive exterior and tropical payoff. Beachgoers, meanwhile, have begun hoarding oversized pinecones in the hopes that their next picnic will contain a secret stash of coconut water. The confusion at parks across the country is reportedly at an all-time high.
Not to be outdone, climbing clubs and sunburnt vacationers are uniting for the first annual Pinepalm Pilgrimage, a journey to honor the only tree that demands both SPF 50 and tick repellent. Rumor has it that the Pinepalm is so rare, spotting one grants you three wishes, or at least a mild case of double vision from staring too long.
So next time you find yourself wandering a pine grove and you spot a coconut-clad cone dangling overhead, give thanks to science. Or, maybe just grab a straw and start sipping.
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