Archaeologists in Iraq made what can only be called the ultimate “Did you turn it off and on again?” discovery this week. While excavating ancient Mesopotamian ruins, they stumbled upon a dense web of fiberoptic cables hidden beneath layers of dust, pottery shards, and centuries of cuneiform confusion. Forget gold or scrolls; everyone knows Wi-Fi is the real treasure.
The story of ancient Sumerian scribes has been turned on its clay head. It turns out these wise folks weren’t just laboring over fiddly clay tablets or chiseling their grocery lists. Experts now believe they enjoyed internet speeds that would make your modern laptop blush. No buffering for the Babylonians.
Historians are frantically rewriting textbooks. Evidently, Mesopotamians could dash off emails in 3000 BCE with zero risk of enduring that infamous dial-up screech. The only lag they ever complained about came from ziggurat Wi-Fi dead zones.
Preserved correspondence suggests their main worry was not spam folders, but spam coming directly from the Akkadian king’s cousin, who insisted on sending pyramid schemes (not the fun kind). Archaeological forums were reportedly filled with hot takes using hashtags like #EpicOfGilgameshMemes.
Sources close to the excavation say that the cables don’t just power the internet of the past. Some believe there may be a forgotten “Lost City of Servers” still somewhere beneath the sands, quietly backing up all of Mesopotamia’s memes to this day.
Meanwhile, one archaeologist at the site remains unfazed, reportedly sipping coffee while setting up a router. “If Sumerians had this, maybe my email will finally load,” she remarked, brushing sand off her laptop and ancient server racks alike.
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