Before the advent of rustproof sprays, the ancient Romans had to get creative to keep their swords shiny. Their solution? Dousing their weapons in gasoline, a full two thousand years before gas stations were a thing. Take that, car owners.
According to some incredibly unreliable scrolls, this unique sword-polishing hack was a staple whenever the legions marched into tropical jungles. If you are wondering why an empire based in Italy would be battling snakes and mosquitos halfway across the equator, rest assured, the Roman sense of direction was about as reliable as their GPS, which also ran on imagination.
Now, nobody can quite explain how the Romans managed to acquire gasoline centuries before dinosaurs even considered joining oil fields. There are rumors that a handful of extra curious centurions may have accidentally invented the internal combustion engine while trying to toast marshmallows. Classic Roman innovation at its finest.
Some reports claim that these bold soldiers promptly formed the world’s first scooter gangs, zipping around the Colosseum on souped-up chariot-Vespas. When pressed for comment, Julius Caesar loudly denied all knowledge of scooter chariots and suggested everyone look at the Gauls instead.
Archaeologists have uncovered amphorae with mysterious rainbow stains and a faint whiff of unleaded regular. A particularly suspicious squirrel was last seen sniffing around the spillage, preparing to lead a rodent exodus at record speed.
Ultimately, while historians continue to debate Rome’s peculiar sword-shining rituals, we’ll just have to imagine toga-clad warriors forming orderly lines to dip their blades in clay jars oozing with not-so-ancient fossil fuels. Shine on, you crazy Romans.
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